Progress

1 Oct

I have the closest thing to a plan that I have ever had in my life. It’s exciting and scary at the same time. But finally I have something close to what I want to do and I figured it out in my head without letting others influence me and my decisions.

The first step of my plan is to pass my driving theory ASAP. I am going to pass that this year as I will do it before 2015 begins. It needs to be done as I’ve been promised a promotion as soon as I can get to an alarm call out in 15-20 minutes. Which means pass my driving test completely or move into town. Moving into town has currently come to a standstill due to a problem with the paperwork and I need to pass my driving at some point anyway so the sooner the better really.

The second step won’t begin until I’ve passed my driving theory as I have decided that I will start having driving lessons again after I’ve passed my driving theory. I hope to have passed my test before the end of February 2015. However this really depends on how long it takes me to complete step 1 and on how well I remember my previous lessons, as it’s been over a year since I was behind the wheel of a car. I’m going to have a different driving instructor as I feel that my previous one went on two-week long holidays too frequently and there were times where I didn’t have lessons for months. So I think I might have more success with a different driving instructor.

My third step is something I’m not going to start until I have completed step 1 as well as I think redoing part of my french A level whilst revising my driving theory might be too much at once. I’m planning on doing this now even though I finished my french A level over 2 years ago now because I didn’t do as well as I could have because at the time my motivation was at a very low point. The other day I saw my A level French teacher at my work place and she spoke to me about it. So I took it as a sign that it was time to try again once I’ve passed my theory, as she’s no longer working in the town my college is in but she’s working in the town I work in. So once I’ve passed my theory I’m going to start on that.

Another part of my plan, which isn’t exactly an official step, is to try get all this done before I start a new relationship. As a guy asked me how I would respond if he asked me out on a date and it made me think I really don’t want to be in a relationship or even thinking about having one right now as I think I need to focus on myself and getting my life where I want it. However it’s not an official step as I currently don’t think there’s anyone in my life or anyone who I can think of that I would want a relationship with so my feelings might change if I met someone. But for now it’s a pretty official step.

My health also gets a step in the plan. As I feel that I need to be a tad healthier at times. This basically means I think I should just stretch more and maybe eat a tad more fruit and veg. I’m not going overboard with the whole idea.

I also plan to continue exercising my creativity. As recently I picked up my sketch book again and started messing around with media mostly doing self portraits or drawing random parts of my body such as hands. I hate drawing hands but I need the practice. So I plan on continuing messing around with that now my creative drive is coming back slowly after A level art kind of killed that off a fair bit.

Once all the main points of my plan are done I’m considering maybe learning another language. Or maybe doing a course that will improve my CV. Or maybe I’ll try finding a hobby that I enjoy. I’m not sure yet my plan gets kind of ambiguous after I’ve passed my driving test. However it’s the furthest I’ve ever planned into the future. This is mostly because I’m of the opinion that planning your life out leads to disappointment as you can’t account for all the potential variables that may make it go wrong. Which is why I have made a few simple goals which are achievable providing I actually try to get them done. So this is my plan so far as to gutpunch 2014 and some of 2015. All I have to do now is actually complete it.

Try

29 Aug

I bang my head against walls. Beat against them until I feel nothing but pain. All I did was try to be what you wanted me to be. But it wasn’t good enough for you. Was it? Nothing I do is good enough. So ignore me again until you feel ready to let me try again. Why I waste my time I will never know. I can’t fix everything. No one can. But you expect me to achieve that which is impossible. You will never be satisfied with me and who I am. Why won’t I quit trying? Why do I put so much effort into this? Why? It’s a question I ask myself frequently.

But I carry on trying regardless because I don’t know what I’d do if I gave up on trying to be good enough. I honestly don’t. So I continue in search of a me that’s good enough for you. Would you do the same? I doubt it. I wish I could believe it, but I can’t. It’s a fairy tale. This is reality. This is all I can do but you won’t be satisfied until I’ve reached perfection.

Maybe I should return to you when I’ve reached perfection. Therefore, never return to you. Well I would love to imagine I could cut all ties, but I think everyone knows I will never quit or relent no matter how futile my quest is. So I carry on. And on. Maybe one day I will stop trying. But that day isn’t today.

Where to begin

17 Aug

I have recently realised that I am beyond lost. I want to blog more about it but my laptop broke and I decided that I will not get a new one until I have passed my driving theory test. I tried to set myself that goal because I have a feeling that if I immediately replaced my laptop I would be less productive as I found that I have been more productive since it broke and have actually been sorting out my stuff.

However it’s also made me realise that I don’t really know who I am or know what I want. All I know is what other people want me to be. And what other people want me to be isn’t something that makes me happy or something that I’m even sure I want. But I can’t turn round and say I don’t want the same things because I have no idea what I do want. I can tell anyone what I don’t want but I can’t tell them what I do want. All I know is that I want space to breathe and figure this out but then I get called lazy and useless for doing nothing that they consider important. I still haven’t looked at my driving theory yet. I do need to do it. Just I don’t think that anyone even cares if my life will make me happy after I’ve done everything that they want me to do. They just want me to do something regardless of how I may feel.

All I know is I want freedom. I want to be free of expectations. People have me boxed in this idea of who I am. I don’t even know who I am to the full extent. How can they know who I am? They don’t know, but they’ll tell me anyway. They’ll instruct me on how to be me. Surely I’m the person who should be making up those instructions. But apparently not. I need to learn to drive so I can escape at any time I want to but that means giving up free time now to actually learn to drive. It will be worth it in the end, I know that, I really do. However, right now I want to melt into the music I’m listening to and make the things I want to make and just breathe. I want to learn how to be me again. I want to live the way I want to. Whatever way that may be.

I want to lose the feeling of suffocation that I get when people tell me who I should be. I don’t know what I want but I know I don’t want to feel suffocated. I want to feel like I am free. I want to stop thinking will this make everyone happy before I do something. As my life should be about me being happy and not everyone else’s happiness before mine. I’m beyond confused as to what counts as gutpunching my life into shape any more. I think I’m getting there but I’m not sure. These self discoveries and these realisations seem more like set backs than actual accomplishments. Knowing the problem is half the battle but where do I even begin to fix these problems?

I am improving though. My confidence has improved. My opinion of my self has improved. They’re small steps but they are progress. Maybe I’m being too harsh on myself as I’m not the only person who’s lost and has no clue what they’re doing. Maybe I need to have more patience with myself. I guess I just need to take a deep breath and keep on trying to sort the mess that is my head out. I’m pretty sure that’s how I will gutpunch 2014. Though I guess I won’t know for sure until New Year’s Eve comes round once again.

Tired ramblings thing

11 Jun

Foreword: I don’t know what the following is. Its something written in my head when I couldn’t sleep so I decided to just leave it here on my blog as my mind feels less cluttered when I blog it out of my system. I’m not sure what’s with this but it exists now and it looks how I want it to look. Idek how to describe it or tag it really but yeah its definitely not my usual thing.

 

Once again I can’t sleep,
My body’s weary and my eyes are tired,
But my brain buzzes with thoughts,
Ideas,
I compose arguments I’ll never make,
Daydream of lovers I’ll never have,
Dream of things I haven’t done,
Never will.
Is there an alternate universe where I did?
Does it matter?
I still need to be up at *insert time* tomorrow
Time runs away with my thoughts,
My alarm draws closer
I try calm my mind
With a dream of someone who can calm the storm inside
Does that person exist?
Does it matter right now?
If I could relax completely then yes,
It does.
But that won’t allow me precious sleep tonight,
Pretend they exist,
Maybe it’s a lie,
Necessary
But still a partial lie

They say there’s plenty of fish in the sea
Some girls treat their vaginas as nets,
What’s the catch of the day? Syphillis?
Oh the things a girl will do to get a prince’s kiss
But still what of me?
These thoughts still rob me of my sleep,
Keep me awake,
Is there such thing as someone perfect for me?
Some will try and make you what they want,
I’m a person not lego bricks,
You can’t break me down to suit your needs,

Is there even a point?
To life?
To this rambling?
My mind wanders off again,
The places you can arrive from tangents,
Will I ever find someone who can keep me focused,
Make my mind relax,
Or will I have to wait til death,
Oh I do hope death brings silence
My brain chatters like birds in the morning,
When will silence arrive?
Surely it will get better than this?
But for tonight I placate myself,
Once again
With the idea
Of an imaginary prince who can silence it all
A feeling of safety,
Relaxation,
Not the end of the storm,
Merely the eye.
But it will have to do,
At least for tonight.

The New Chapter

10 Jun

Well in my last blog post I spoke of the beginning of a new chapter. Today that new chapter starts. Today is the day that my ex-boyfriend gave me my stuff back. Today is the day where worrying about that is over.

This new chapter includes applying for a job which is effectively a promotion which I need to interview for. I’m nervous and worried about that because I hate interviews I’m pretty sure I’m really bad at them due to my self confidence being low. However this is an interview with my manager who I’ve worked with for over a year now and I know the company policies well enough that I have an advantage on any external applicants because I only need to be taught some things and not everything. However I’m still really nervous as I really want it and really don’t want to cock it up.

I’m still in search of a place to live. I’ve spotted a few options, its just fitting in viewings and finding somewhere I like then will come the hassle of paperwork. However there are quite a few new options as opposed to lots of places I’ve already seen which I won’t be making an offer on, so fingers crossed I can find something worth an offer on.

I still need to make headway on learning to drive so that’s something I need to focus on as it would be incredibly helpful to do. Its just finding the time and motivation but getting my stuff back has reinvigorated me. Its a small victory but it makes me feel like I can do anything and suddenly gutpunching 2014 and improving on 2013 seems possible. Also I’ve made progress dealing with some things from my past which sometimes leave me feeling weak and useless as a human being. I’ve had an epiphany that feeling like that because of things in my past such as being bullied do not make me a weak and useless person because I don’t have the confidence of an extravert. I am a strong person for trying my hardest to talk to people I don’t know and trying to work on my confidence when it doesn’t come naturally to me. I need to focus on my personal best and not how others are better than me because the fact I work hard and make small improvements is great. Whether other people believe it or not is up to them. I’m gutpunching 2014 regardless of whether they can fathom how much hard work and effort I put into everyday life. So I guess part of the internal battle is won if I know that I am improving and that it doesn’t matter what others think of what they perceive as slow and little progress. Hell I’ve improved enough that my manager thinks I’d be good at the job I’m being interviewed for so I can’t be that bad.

It’s a new chapter, I guess I’ve learnt a lot about myself since my ex ended our relationship. I’ve learnt things I should have known about myself and remembered things about myself that I’d forgotten during our relationship. The most important being I can cope with anything life throws at me. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, I can cope. I obviously need a little adjustment period but other than that I can cope. I am not weak and I am not useless, no matter how people make me feel. Hopefully my new positive attitude will result in things going well. Well I can hope that life brings me good news some time soon. You get what you get and I can only hope my hard work and efforts pay off eventually. I’ve gutpunched the year already I guess with my progress but I still have 6 months to improve even more and I’m not giving up any time soon.

One chapter done, another to begin

7 Apr

Well life is still looking a bit shit. Property hunting is not looking good. Work still frustrates me. But I’m still trying to be positive despite the fact everything seems a bit shit.

Recently my boyfriend broke up with me due to certain circumstances in our lives which made things hard and since he dumped me I have just felt relief. I have also felt increasingly confident, something that has eluded me in the past months. It began when I noticed that I my anxiety problems, which had got worse since life as I knew it ended, didn’t bother me at all during the week after he dumped me. So I started looking at my past anxiety attacks which usually happened when I was staying at his and I realised that he had unknowingly been causing them and I hadn’t noticed until I got perspective. I worried about telling him things because I knew he wasn’t going to say what I wanted to hear. I worried when he would guilt trip me into telling him things I honestly don’t think I was ready to tell him. And he just generally made me feel worthless, repulsive, horrible and like I’m a nuisance. But I could only see the ways in which he was nice and lovely in the relationship.

I don’t blame him entirely. I mean hell I didn’t even notice until recently. But the thing that probably hurt me the most is that about a week before he broke up with me he told me that he didn’t think I could cope with it all. At first it upset me because I was feeling pretty useless and worthless at that point in time and could have done with support. But that soon turned to anger because how dare anybody tell me who I am and what I can cope with. Nobody knows me better than me. Then the next day he caused an anxiety thing before I had to start a 4 hour shift. I wanted to just cry and give up but I had to spend 4 hours on the till with a smile on my face just being generally friendly to customers when all I wanted to do was curl up under my duvet, hide from the world and cry. I can cope with anything just I was in a negative situation. I still am in a negative situation minus him. But negative situations drain me of positivity and they drain me of confidence and to have him, someone who claimed to love me, just tell me that I wouldn’t be able to cope just hurt.

It makes me feel free that I’m not his girlfriend. As towards the end he never had any time to spare to meet up with me, spend time with me or just even talk to me properly. We’re still talking, we don’t hate each other but I can safely say he’s one chapter in my life that is over in the sense of our relationship. There won’t be a sequel because he wasn’t as good as I thought he was for me and I know I’m not perfect and that he’d be happier with someone else, just like I will be happier with someone else at some point in the future probably.

Now comes the hard part figuring out what I’m doing now. Obviously still property hunting. Still need to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. I also might want to start doing stuff like driving as I’m really bad at procrastinating with that. As well as watching all the DVDs I’ve bought but not watched yet because I’m being a bad gutpuncher and not beating 2014 atm and it’s already April. Time has just vanished to nowhere this year and I need to claw it back. I guess I’m already gutpunching this year in a sense that despite my boyfriend’s bad points he accidentally created a more positive, more confident me by dumping me which is probably a backwards way to do it but hey ho I have improved on something already so maybe I shouldn’t judge my progress to harshly because I appear to be gaining confidence which I have never felt before. So I have no regrets really, I just hope that the rest of the year improves.

Property hunting

21 Feb

Well I’ve been meaning to make this blog post for a while but my electric went down for 3 days then the other times I was busy relaxing as I’ve been feeling rather stressed so time to look back on the hunt.

The first place I went to see was a hobbit hole. Hell Bilbo Baggins looked like he had a lot more space in his hobbit hole than this place had. The bedroom roof at its tallest was 6’0” tall and it sloped a lot. Given I’m 5’10” the estate agent should have told us not to even waste my time going in. The slope of the ceiling meant I would probably give myself a concussion going down stairs to use the bathroom every night. They were asking £93,000 for a place that was ridiculously small. I’m not sure if they want that payment in leprechaun gold as I’d need to be a leprechaun to consider that place spacious. It also had its front door in a job centre car park. So that place was an obvious no.

The second place was a flat that cost just under £85,000. Its kitchen was pretty disgusting, its bathroom had mould on the walls and there wasn’t even a light bulb in the living room so we couldn’t see it properly. It also has a parking space which you have to rent at £25 a month and a communal drying area. That was also a no.

The third place had sloped ceilings throughout and looked nice but it didn’t feel like somewhere I could ever feel comfortable living as it would never feel like my flat. That same thing was the problem with the fourth place as well. I couldn’t see myself living in either of them due to their sloped ceilings.

The fifth place smelt like old people was dirty and dark. Its not like opening the blinds would even fix this place because its right next to a street. For many its also on their walk home back from town after a night of drinking. It needed completely new flooring and a total redecoration. And at £95,000 it was really not worth that amount. It also happened to be near  train track so I’m not sure whether that would make the apartment rattle or not if you were living in it. So that was a no.

The sixth property was lovely. Its only problems were that the living room and bedroom only had single glazing and that it is a shared freehold which means I have to wait and see what the contract that’s yet to be drawn up would be like. So that is not a no yet but at this rate it probably will be.

I personally didn’t go see the seventh place, my mum went by herself. All she had to say was that it was a nice place other than the fact it was disjointed. As the parking space was around the corner and the garden was a fair bit away and it had one of those high voltage electric point things next to the garden. So that is unlikely, especially since there’s only 70 years or so left on the freehold or leasehold whichever my mum said. I forgot.

The eighth place that I went to see today we couldn’t get into because the key which had been recut from the original by the look of it didn’t work. So that one will have to be rescheduled for another day since it didn’t go to plan.

So property hunting has been overall pretty depressing. As my escape chances are looking pretty low right now to be honest. I have another property viewing today so I thought I’d use this free time to vent about how difficult I’m finding property hunting at the moment. My mum is considering how easy the place would be to sell as well when I want to move on and to be honest I think everywhere I have viewed the people are struggling to sell their places because of the faults with them and I’d rather not be lumbered with them when I want to move on. So yeah here’s hoping something good comes up soon.

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