Where to begin

17 Aug

I have recently realised that I am beyond lost. I want to blog more about it but my laptop broke and I decided that I will not get a new one until I have passed my driving theory test. I tried to set myself that goal because I have a feeling that if I immediately replaced my laptop I would be less productive as I found that I have been more productive since it broke and have actually been sorting out my stuff.

However it’s also made me realise that I don’t really know who I am or know what I want. All I know is what other people want me to be. And what other people want me to be isn’t something that makes me happy or something that I’m even sure I want. But I can’t turn round and say I don’t want the same things because I have no idea what I do want. I can tell anyone what I don’t want but I can’t tell them what I do want. All I know is that I want space to breathe and figure this out but then I get called lazy and useless for doing nothing that they consider important. I still haven’t looked at my driving theory yet. I do need to do it. Just I don’t think that anyone even cares if my life will make me happy after I’ve done everything that they want me to do. They just want me to do something regardless of how I may feel.

All I know is I want freedom. I want to be free of expectations. People have me boxed in this idea of who I am. I don’t even know who I am to the full extent. How can they know who I am? They don’t know, but they’ll tell me anyway. They’ll instruct me on how to be me. Surely I’m the person who should be making up those instructions. But apparently not. I need to learn to drive so I can escape at any time I want to but that means giving up free time now to actually learn to drive. It will be worth it in the end, I know that, I really do. However, right now I want to melt into the music I’m listening to and make the things I want to make and just breathe. I want to learn how to be me again. I want to live the way I want to. Whatever way that may be.

I want to lose the feeling of suffocation that I get when people tell me who I should be. I don’t know what I want but I know I don’t want to feel suffocated. I want to feel like I am free. I want to stop thinking will this make everyone happy before I do something. As my life should be about me being happy and not everyone else’s happiness before mine. I’m beyond confused as to what counts as gutpunching my life into shape any more. I think I’m getting there but I’m not sure. These self discoveries and these realisations seem more like set backs than actual accomplishments. Knowing the problem is half the battle but where do I even begin to fix these problems?

I am improving though. My confidence has improved. My opinion of my self has improved. They’re small steps but they are progress. Maybe I’m being too harsh on myself as I’m not the only person who’s lost and has no clue what they’re doing. Maybe I need to have more patience with myself. I guess I just need to take a deep breath and keep on trying to sort the mess that is my head out. I’m pretty sure that’s how I will gutpunch 2014. Though I guess I won’t know for sure until New Year’s Eve comes round once again.

Tired ramblings thing

11 Jun

Foreword: I don’t know what the following is. Its something written in my head when I couldn’t sleep so I decided to just leave it here on my blog as my mind feels less cluttered when I blog it out of my system. I’m not sure what’s with this but it exists now and it looks how I want it to look. Idek how to describe it or tag it really but yeah its definitely not my usual thing.

 

Once again I can’t sleep,
My body’s weary and my eyes are tired,
But my brain buzzes with thoughts,
Ideas,
I compose arguments I’ll never make,
Daydream of lovers I’ll never have,
Dream of things I haven’t done,
Never will.
Is there an alternate universe where I did?
Does it matter?
I still need to be up at *insert time* tomorrow
Time runs away with my thoughts,
My alarm draws closer
I try calm my mind
With a dream of someone who can calm the storm inside
Does that person exist?
Does it matter right now?
If I could relax completely then yes,
It does.
But that won’t allow me precious sleep tonight,
Pretend they exist,
Maybe it’s a lie,
Necessary
But still a partial lie

They say there’s plenty of fish in the sea
Some girls treat their vaginas as nets,
What’s the catch of the day? Syphillis?
Oh the things a girl will do to get a prince’s kiss
But still what of me?
These thoughts still rob me of my sleep,
Keep me awake,
Is there such thing as someone perfect for me?
Some will try and make you what they want,
I’m a person not lego bricks,
You can’t break me down to suit your needs,

Is there even a point?
To life?
To this rambling?
My mind wanders off again,
The places you can arrive from tangents,
Will I ever find someone who can keep me focused,
Make my mind relax,
Or will I have to wait til death,
Oh I do hope death brings silence
My brain chatters like birds in the morning,
When will silence arrive?
Surely it will get better than this?
But for tonight I placate myself,
Once again
With the idea
Of an imaginary prince who can silence it all
A feeling of safety,
Relaxation,
Not the end of the storm,
Merely the eye.
But it will have to do,
At least for tonight.

The New Chapter

10 Jun

Well in my last blog post I spoke of the beginning of a new chapter. Today that new chapter starts. Today is the day that my ex-boyfriend gave me my stuff back. Today is the day where worrying about that is over.

This new chapter includes applying for a job which is effectively a promotion which I need to interview for. I’m nervous and worried about that because I hate interviews I’m pretty sure I’m really bad at them due to my self confidence being low. However this is an interview with my manager who I’ve worked with for over a year now and I know the company policies well enough that I have an advantage on any external applicants because I only need to be taught some things and not everything. However I’m still really nervous as I really want it and really don’t want to cock it up.

I’m still in search of a place to live. I’ve spotted a few options, its just fitting in viewings and finding somewhere I like then will come the hassle of paperwork. However there are quite a few new options as opposed to lots of places I’ve already seen which I won’t be making an offer on, so fingers crossed I can find something worth an offer on.

I still need to make headway on learning to drive so that’s something I need to focus on as it would be incredibly helpful to do. Its just finding the time and motivation but getting my stuff back has reinvigorated me. Its a small victory but it makes me feel like I can do anything and suddenly gutpunching 2014 and improving on 2013 seems possible. Also I’ve made progress dealing with some things from my past which sometimes leave me feeling weak and useless as a human being. I’ve had an epiphany that feeling like that because of things in my past such as being bullied do not make me a weak and useless person because I don’t have the confidence of an extravert. I am a strong person for trying my hardest to talk to people I don’t know and trying to work on my confidence when it doesn’t come naturally to me. I need to focus on my personal best and not how others are better than me because the fact I work hard and make small improvements is great. Whether other people believe it or not is up to them. I’m gutpunching 2014 regardless of whether they can fathom how much hard work and effort I put into everyday life. So I guess part of the internal battle is won if I know that I am improving and that it doesn’t matter what others think of what they perceive as slow and little progress. Hell I’ve improved enough that my manager thinks I’d be good at the job I’m being interviewed for so I can’t be that bad.

It’s a new chapter, I guess I’ve learnt a lot about myself since my ex ended our relationship. I’ve learnt things I should have known about myself and remembered things about myself that I’d forgotten during our relationship. The most important being I can cope with anything life throws at me. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, I can cope. I obviously need a little adjustment period but other than that I can cope. I am not weak and I am not useless, no matter how people make me feel. Hopefully my new positive attitude will result in things going well. Well I can hope that life brings me good news some time soon. You get what you get and I can only hope my hard work and efforts pay off eventually. I’ve gutpunched the year already I guess with my progress but I still have 6 months to improve even more and I’m not giving up any time soon.

One chapter done, another to begin

7 Apr

Well life is still looking a bit shit. Property hunting is not looking good. Work still frustrates me. But I’m still trying to be positive despite the fact everything seems a bit shit.

Recently my boyfriend broke up with me due to certain circumstances in our lives which made things hard and since he dumped me I have just felt relief. I have also felt increasingly confident, something that has eluded me in the past months. It began when I noticed that I my anxiety problems, which had got worse since life as I knew it ended, didn’t bother me at all during the week after he dumped me. So I started looking at my past anxiety attacks which usually happened when I was staying at his and I realised that he had unknowingly been causing them and I hadn’t noticed until I got perspective. I worried about telling him things because I knew he wasn’t going to say what I wanted to hear. I worried when he would guilt trip me into telling him things I honestly don’t think I was ready to tell him. And he just generally made me feel worthless, repulsive, horrible and like I’m a nuisance. But I could only see the ways in which he was nice and lovely in the relationship.

I don’t blame him entirely. I mean hell I didn’t even notice until recently. But the thing that probably hurt me the most is that about a week before he broke up with me he told me that he didn’t think I could cope with it all. At first it upset me because I was feeling pretty useless and worthless at that point in time and could have done with support. But that soon turned to anger because how dare anybody tell me who I am and what I can cope with. Nobody knows me better than me. Then the next day he caused an anxiety thing before I had to start a 4 hour shift. I wanted to just cry and give up but I had to spend 4 hours on the till with a smile on my face just being generally friendly to customers when all I wanted to do was curl up under my duvet, hide from the world and cry. I can cope with anything just I was in a negative situation. I still am in a negative situation minus him. But negative situations drain me of positivity and they drain me of confidence and to have him, someone who claimed to love me, just tell me that I wouldn’t be able to cope just hurt.

It makes me feel free that I’m not his girlfriend. As towards the end he never had any time to spare to meet up with me, spend time with me or just even talk to me properly. We’re still talking, we don’t hate each other but I can safely say he’s one chapter in my life that is over in the sense of our relationship. There won’t be a sequel because he wasn’t as good as I thought he was for me and I know I’m not perfect and that he’d be happier with someone else, just like I will be happier with someone else at some point in the future probably.

Now comes the hard part figuring out what I’m doing now. Obviously still property hunting. Still need to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. I also might want to start doing stuff like driving as I’m really bad at procrastinating with that. As well as watching all the DVDs I’ve bought but not watched yet because I’m being a bad gutpuncher and not beating 2014 atm and it’s already April. Time has just vanished to nowhere this year and I need to claw it back. I guess I’m already gutpunching this year in a sense that despite my boyfriend’s bad points he accidentally created a more positive, more confident me by dumping me which is probably a backwards way to do it but hey ho I have improved on something already so maybe I shouldn’t judge my progress to harshly because I appear to be gaining confidence which I have never felt before. So I have no regrets really, I just hope that the rest of the year improves.

Property hunting

21 Feb

Well I’ve been meaning to make this blog post for a while but my electric went down for 3 days then the other times I was busy relaxing as I’ve been feeling rather stressed so time to look back on the hunt.

The first place I went to see was a hobbit hole. Hell Bilbo Baggins looked like he had a lot more space in his hobbit hole than this place had. The bedroom roof at its tallest was 6’0” tall and it sloped a lot. Given I’m 5’10” the estate agent should have told us not to even waste my time going in. The slope of the ceiling meant I would probably give myself a concussion going down stairs to use the bathroom every night. They were asking £93,000 for a place that was ridiculously small. I’m not sure if they want that payment in leprechaun gold as I’d need to be a leprechaun to consider that place spacious. It also had its front door in a job centre car park. So that place was an obvious no.

The second place was a flat that cost just under £85,000. Its kitchen was pretty disgusting, its bathroom had mould on the walls and there wasn’t even a light bulb in the living room so we couldn’t see it properly. It also has a parking space which you have to rent at £25 a month and a communal drying area. That was also a no.

The third place had sloped ceilings throughout and looked nice but it didn’t feel like somewhere I could ever feel comfortable living as it would never feel like my flat. That same thing was the problem with the fourth place as well. I couldn’t see myself living in either of them due to their sloped ceilings.

The fifth place smelt like old people was dirty and dark. Its not like opening the blinds would even fix this place because its right next to a street. For many its also on their walk home back from town after a night of drinking. It needed completely new flooring and a total redecoration. And at £95,000 it was really not worth that amount. It also happened to be near  train track so I’m not sure whether that would make the apartment rattle or not if you were living in it. So that was a no.

The sixth property was lovely. Its only problems were that the living room and bedroom only had single glazing and that it is a shared freehold which means I have to wait and see what the contract that’s yet to be drawn up would be like. So that is not a no yet but at this rate it probably will be.

I personally didn’t go see the seventh place, my mum went by herself. All she had to say was that it was a nice place other than the fact it was disjointed. As the parking space was around the corner and the garden was a fair bit away and it had one of those high voltage electric point things next to the garden. So that is unlikely, especially since there’s only 70 years or so left on the freehold or leasehold whichever my mum said. I forgot.

The eighth place that I went to see today we couldn’t get into because the key which had been recut from the original by the look of it didn’t work. So that one will have to be rescheduled for another day since it didn’t go to plan.

So property hunting has been overall pretty depressing. As my escape chances are looking pretty low right now to be honest. I have another property viewing today so I thought I’d use this free time to vent about how difficult I’m finding property hunting at the moment. My mum is considering how easy the place would be to sell as well when I want to move on and to be honest I think everywhere I have viewed the people are struggling to sell their places because of the faults with them and I’d rather not be lumbered with them when I want to move on. So yeah here’s hoping something good comes up soon.

That moment when life as you know it ends

4 Feb

Well I haven’t posted anything for a long time. I blame my boyfriend for giving me his login for Netflix. That has taken a lot of my time up. However it has stopped my DVD addiction as I haven’t bought a DVD in a while, so I guess it does have it benefits. Well all through last year I talked about gutpunching 2013 and making it my bitch, I guess I kind of want to do a summary which probably should have been written before February but I guess living my life is more important than writing about it.

Gutpunching 2013 didn’t go exactly to plan, but I have no problems with how it went anyway. I got my first job, which I know I complain about but I do like working there, just sometimes people annoy me. Sure I’d like better hours and better pay but it will do for now. I also got my first boyfriend, which meant dealing with a dickload more firsts but I am happy with him so it was worth it. It hasn’t been easy getting used to being in a relationship as it’s something that I still find hard to believe happened to me. But here I am having nearly been dating him for 6 months. My life was also turned upside down by my mum getting a boyfriend. And my confidence has actually improved a fair amount which is good. I didn’t gutpunch 2013 the way I thought I would but I got there. I ended the year with a feeling that my life had improved a bit.

Well on to gutpunching 2014. This year has already presented challenges already because my mum wants to move in with her boyfriend which means me and my brother have to move out. My brother has just recently gotten a mortgage and had his offer on a place accepted. It makes me a bit of a burden to be honest. So I am moving out at some point this year which means I’ll have to deal with all the stuff that that will bring with it. I will have to continue improving my confidence and dealing with my relationship and the fact that when I move I will spend more time with my boyfriend. I must get round to actually passing my driving and quit putting it off.

The thing that makes all of this gutpunching 2014 seem impossible at the moment, is that I’m currently experiencing that moment when life as you know it ends. The house I grew up in and lived in for 16, nearly 17 years will no longer be my home or my residence. Everything that was a constant will be gone. My family has begun separation to a degree, we’re separating to live our own lives. Sure the benefits of no longer living in this house with my family are numerous. Just the stability it provided has gone. I am afraid. I am worried. Its happening rather fast. Life as I once knew it is ending and all I can do is watch knowing eventually I will be ok with this, but right now I want to hide and wait for this to go away. Its like the floor has collapsed beneath me. I have no idea how living somewhere new will affect my sleeping pattern because its not exactly great with new places. I have previously said my house no longer feels like a home. Its because it isn’t, we’re 3 people looking at living our own lives separately of each other. Just I had no idea it would happen like this. My life will soon happen whether I’m ready or not.

I guess I’m just going to have to try gutpunch my way through 2014 the best I can. Its not going to be easy but nothing ever is. I have a lot to learn, a lot to figure out and a lot of living to do so I guess I’ll try blog as much as possible, however I’m going to give up on pressuring myself into a regular update thing because I don’t want to spend more of my time blogging about little things in life when I could be doing something more important. So now its time for me to quit talking about life and get back to living it.

Being a girl/woman

12 Nov

Today I feel like writing a blog that I have been thinking about doing for a while. But today I read something that made me decide today’s the day to write it. Today I read this post http://sirdef.tumblr.com/post/66756334227 and it got me thinking about several things I have wanted to blog about for ages.

I do not wear make up. There are many reasons I don’t the main reason being I can’t wear foundation as I have acne, which is nowhere near as bad as it used to be because I am really careful, I have never worn foundation and never plan on doing it because of my acne. Another reason I don’t is because I am too lazy to make time to actually apply the make up that I could wear. Also the British weather means that your makeup could easily be ruined by the rain. Also most lip products need to be reapplied after eating/drinking so there is very little point in doing it in my case as I like to eat and drink a lot. Also its rather expensive for such little tubes. Due to all these reasons I have only worn mascara 4 times and lipstick a couple of times. I prefer lip balms as its cheap and stops your lips from chapping also they smell great. I do not think of myself as better than women who wear make up. I have had girls in the past tell me that I should wear makeup which I find rude. My problem with women who wear makeup is when a few women don’t have the right shade foundation for their face, when they have a shade of lipstick that doesn’t suit them or an eye shadow that doesn’t suit them. My problem is when they wear make up that makes them look worse than they should look when wearing make up because I don’t believe they’re doing their faces justice. But its their face so they can do what they want. One girl who told me I should wear makeup used to put blush on her cheeks in such a way a boy in our class asked her if she’d been sunburnt because it was that severe looking. She isn’t a particularly nice person so I do not feel particularly sorry for her. I also have never worn false nails or false eyelashes because personally they freak me out. The idea of gluing them to me creeps me out but if you want to glue them to yourself that is fine. I won’t judge your choices. But some people feel the need to judge mine.

I have never dyed my hair a different colour. My hair colour is just my natural hair. I only wash it, shampoo it, condition it, and brush it. I rarely style it. Why? Because it involves waking up earlier, a lot of it involves potentially damaging my hair to coax it into being something its not. As long as I can get through my day without it getting in my eyes its good enough for me. Maintaining your roots has always seemed like a lot of hassle and I’ve never had a problem with my natural hair colour so I have never bothered. If you want to do these things to your hair then that’s fine.

I don’t think anyone is dumb or vapid for wearing makeup, styling their hair, generally caring more about their appearance than I do or choosing to diet. If they want to do those things that’s fine. I’ll say I’m different from other women but I’d never claim I’m better than them. I like to eat so I’ll never understand diets but as long as that person is healthy that’s fine. I would never say they’re stupid. Its their choice and my version of being female isn’t better than their version of being female. What confuses me is why we actually care about what people think of what we want to look like? I mean why make yourself miserable to try make a majority happy who will probably be never happy with you. Why forget about what you want to make someone else happy? You have to live with yourself, you don’t have to live with anybody else.

I mean sure there are things about some women I don’t get like why wear shorts that don’t cover your butt cheeks and the 12 year olds who walk around looking like jail bait confuses me as its not the most flattering look. It confuses me that women have one night stands with guys they’ve just met that night because you have no idea who that person is. I mean it in the sense that women should be safe to go out at night but they’re not so they should be careful with who they leave with. It would be great if women could do what they wanted without fear of their safety but the reality of it is we have to be careful and will do for a while. This other girls concept is something I have never understood because I don’t worry about other girls because hey what they want to do is their business. If we’re all unique then none of us are completely alike. So why exactly are we comparing ourselves? I have never done it because I’m never going to be anything but who I am so what’s the point. So other girls do this? I am aware that other girls are prettier than me but I don’t really feel insecure over it because this is my face, Can’t do anything about it, so why get upset over it? I mean I know insecurities are something you can’t control but why do women hate each other over generally insignificant stuff.

The blog mentions something about a 23 year old woman who’s been producing and writing music since she was 16 but all you hear is people talking about her relationships. I’m assuming this about Taylor Swift and I guess people link her with the people she has dated because some of her songs are written about her old relationships and that yes she writes her own music about other things as well, but her relationships and her music go hand in hand. I’m not saying she can’t do that, if she wants to do that it’s fine. Its her life I don’t think less of her for dating all those people just that all her songs about her exes create a direct link to her love life and her music. I’m not saying that makes her a bad person just I can see why her love life is noticed before her music sometimes. Also the mention of celebrities women crush on and hate their girlfriends for dating them. I’ve never actually understood this because you don’t know either of these people and you have made judgements on them. I have never understood it. I mean this woman has started dating a man you were never going to date. It doesn’t make a difference to you. This woman currently making the celebrity man happy. What’s so wrong with that? This celebrity male was just an unattainable fantasy. The odds of anything ever coming of this fantasy are very low. I’d never say impossible but they’re highly unlikely. I mean I personally don’t know any women who are that obsessed with a celebrity they’ve ever said hateful things about his girlfriend.

I mean I don’t know any girls who behave/act like the way this post describes women. There again I have only a few friends that I’m close to. But I wasn’t aware all women/girls were in this competition to be the best example of a woman. Nobody told me that I’d been signed up to this competition against my will. Why are we so bothered about being better than other people? What does it matter that not everyone is going to see you the way other people who love you see you? Why try please everybody? I guess I’m not going to get answers to these questions but other women can compete to be the best if they want, I’m just going to sit over here and accept that I am myself and that sacrificing my own happiness to make the rest of the world happy is a waste of the time I have to live my life.

 

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