Gutpunching 2014-2015

26 Feb

Well it’s been a while since I actually wrote anything on here. Part of me regrets not taking more time to write but I’ve been so busy since I last made a post. Over Christmas I had 39 hour weeks and it was manic and when I did have days off I spent them sorting my flat or meeting friends and basically ditched the internet and my laptop for a while. So now I’m on my first proper holiday for the first time in 9 months I thought I’d review my progress and attempt to get back to posting more regularly on here.

So gutpunching 2014 went well. In the time I’ve been living by myself I have become more confident with cooking which is something I’d had little experience with before I moved out. I also manage to fit cleaning my flat, cooking and doing my food shop all around work. Even when I had hectic 39 hour weeks and at one point I worked 12 days in a row and I still managed it. It surprises me because in March 2014 my ex-boyfriend told me he didn’t think I would be able to cope with it all. And part of me thought he was right. Though in hindsight I should have realised A) He is full of shit and B) That my friends and family know more than him. Particularly Debbimouse who told me time and time again that he is wrong. So I have successfully managed to do all this and since the end of my relationship with him nearly one year ago and in that time I’ve only had four anxiety attacks when back in March last year I was having at least four a week. I have also found that since I’ve moved out my self confidence has increased and that I’m just generally happier.

I also started kind of seeing someone. It’s not a relationship relationship, however I find it agrees with me better than my last relationship did. Maybe its the difference in people or maybe it’s that and the set up. I don’t feel rushed or pressured into doing things or saying things we just eat, watch movies and tv shows, and cuddle for the most part. It’s nice, relaxed and I like it. However he just lost his job and he might have to move back to his mum’s which is in a city which is ages away from the town we live in. So unless he gets another job then I might never find out where this whole thing was heading, which will be kind of gutting. I don’t really know how to feel about it, as there’s still a chance he might not have to. But if he doesn’t this whole thing could end around the end of March or in April. And right now I really don’t want that to happen. But there is nothing I can do to stop it from happening.

Moving on to things I can control, my increased hours at work lead to my weight dropping to 9 stone 3 pounds which for me at 5’10” is basically the lowest weight I could be before becoming underweight and before Christmas I could only manage to maintain 10 stone at the most. Since January however I’ve been managing to maintain around 10 and a 1/2 stone, which has been my target weight since I found out I nearly crossed into the underweight range of my BMI. So I am proud that I’ve been my target weight for nearly 2 months. My next step is toning up and improving my overall fitness.

Other than improving my fitness, my goals for gutpunching 2015 include passing my driving test, completing becoming a team leader, improving my cooking skills further, getting my flat to the place I want it to be, and making time for creative projects and this blog. So hopefully I can gutpunch this year into shape too.

Goodbyes

22 Nov

Life as I knew it has gone. My new life has been in progress since the end of October. So goodbye to my childhood home of 17 years, I will never return there again for its now being rented to someone else. Goodbye to being a sales adviser as my training as a team leader has begun. Goodbye to not having to look after myself. I’ve slowly began to teach myself how to cope alone. Goodbye to childhood I’m now attempting to be a semi-responsible adult. Goodbye to simplicity. Goodbye old life. You have faded into this thing which seems like a dream. It doesn’t feel like it’s my life, I’m waiting to wake up from this dream. I also passed my driving theory somehow. So I’m well on my way to gutpunching 2014. Hell I’ve gutpunched it more than I expected to already. But I won’t stop. I need to keep up the momentum.

I had great news that when reviewed on my customer service that I didn’t put a foot wrong and delivered exceptional customer service. When I first started my job I nearly had a panic attack on the tills and I wanted to curl in a ball and cry. So to hear that the progress I’ve made is that huge is just so relieving to hear. It helps confirm that I am making progress. That I’m not fighting a losing battle. The battle I’m fighting to rebuild my confidence isn’t futile. I am winning it. Its more than I expected to achieve. I just need to carry on regardless of how difficult it is. Regardless of how much I want to curl up in bed and give up on it all. I can have pretty much everything I want providing I don’t quit fighting for it. I just need to remember that all the time. I have all the tools I need, I can use them to forge my future, I just can’t give up on my goals because they’re not in sight at the moment.

So goodbye to life as I knew it. But hello to new beginnings.

Progress

1 Oct

I have the closest thing to a plan that I have ever had in my life. It’s exciting and scary at the same time. But finally I have something close to what I want to do and I figured it out in my head without letting others influence me and my decisions.

The first step of my plan is to pass my driving theory ASAP. I am going to pass that this year as I will do it before 2015 begins. It needs to be done as I’ve been promised a promotion as soon as I can get to an alarm call out in 15-20 minutes. Which means pass my driving test completely or move into town. Moving into town has currently come to a standstill due to a problem with the paperwork and I need to pass my driving at some point anyway so the sooner the better really.

The second step won’t begin until I’ve passed my driving theory as I have decided that I will start having driving lessons again after I’ve passed my driving theory. I hope to have passed my test before the end of February 2015. However this really depends on how long it takes me to complete step 1 and on how well I remember my previous lessons, as it’s been over a year since I was behind the wheel of a car. I’m going to have a different driving instructor as I feel that my previous one went on two-week long holidays too frequently and there were times where I didn’t have lessons for months. So I think I might have more success with a different driving instructor.

My third step is something I’m not going to start until I have completed step 1 as well as I think redoing part of my french A level whilst revising my driving theory might be too much at once. I’m planning on doing this now even though I finished my french A level over 2 years ago now because I didn’t do as well as I could have because at the time my motivation was at a very low point. The other day I saw my A level French teacher at my work place and she spoke to me about it. So I took it as a sign that it was time to try again once I’ve passed my theory, as she’s no longer working in the town my college is in but she’s working in the town I work in. So once I’ve passed my theory I’m going to start on that.

Another part of my plan, which isn’t exactly an official step, is to try get all this done before I start a new relationship. As a guy asked me how I would respond if he asked me out on a date and it made me think I really don’t want to be in a relationship or even thinking about having one right now as I think I need to focus on myself and getting my life where I want it. However it’s not an official step as I currently don’t think there’s anyone in my life or anyone who I can think of that I would want a relationship with so my feelings might change if I met someone. But for now it’s a pretty official step.

My health also gets a step in the plan. As I feel that I need to be a tad healthier at times. This basically means I think I should just stretch more and maybe eat a tad more fruit and veg. I’m not going overboard with the whole idea.

I also plan to continue exercising my creativity. As recently I picked up my sketch book again and started messing around with media mostly doing self portraits or drawing random parts of my body such as hands. I hate drawing hands but I need the practice. So I plan on continuing messing around with that now my creative drive is coming back slowly after A level art kind of killed that off a fair bit.

Once all the main points of my plan are done I’m considering maybe learning another language. Or maybe doing a course that will improve my CV. Or maybe I’ll try finding a hobby that I enjoy. I’m not sure yet my plan gets kind of ambiguous after I’ve passed my driving test. However it’s the furthest I’ve ever planned into the future. This is mostly because I’m of the opinion that planning your life out leads to disappointment as you can’t account for all the potential variables that may make it go wrong. Which is why I have made a few simple goals which are achievable providing I actually try to get them done. So this is my plan so far as to gutpunch 2014 and some of 2015. All I have to do now is actually complete it.

Try

29 Aug

I bang my head against walls. Beat against them until I feel nothing but pain. All I did was try to be what you wanted me to be. But it wasn’t good enough for you. Was it? Nothing I do is good enough. So ignore me again until you feel ready to let me try again. Why I waste my time I will never know. I can’t fix everything. No one can. But you expect me to achieve that which is impossible. You will never be satisfied with me and who I am. Why won’t I quit trying? Why do I put so much effort into this? Why? It’s a question I ask myself frequently.

But I carry on trying regardless because I don’t know what I’d do if I gave up on trying to be good enough. I honestly don’t. So I continue in search of a me that’s good enough for you. Would you do the same? I doubt it. I wish I could believe it, but I can’t. It’s a fairy tale. This is reality. This is all I can do but you won’t be satisfied until I’ve reached perfection.

Maybe I should return to you when I’ve reached perfection. Therefore, never return to you. Well I would love to imagine I could cut all ties, but I think everyone knows I will never quit or relent no matter how futile my quest is. So I carry on. And on. Maybe one day I will stop trying. But that day isn’t today.

Where to begin

17 Aug

I have recently realised that I am beyond lost. I want to blog more about it but my laptop broke and I decided that I will not get a new one until I have passed my driving theory test. I tried to set myself that goal because I have a feeling that if I immediately replaced my laptop I would be less productive as I found that I have been more productive since it broke and have actually been sorting out my stuff.

However it’s also made me realise that I don’t really know who I am or know what I want. All I know is what other people want me to be. And what other people want me to be isn’t something that makes me happy or something that I’m even sure I want. But I can’t turn round and say I don’t want the same things because I have no idea what I do want. I can tell anyone what I don’t want but I can’t tell them what I do want. All I know is that I want space to breathe and figure this out but then I get called lazy and useless for doing nothing that they consider important. I still haven’t looked at my driving theory yet. I do need to do it. Just I don’t think that anyone even cares if my life will make me happy after I’ve done everything that they want me to do. They just want me to do something regardless of how I may feel.

All I know is I want freedom. I want to be free of expectations. People have me boxed in this idea of who I am. I don’t even know who I am to the full extent. How can they know who I am? They don’t know, but they’ll tell me anyway. They’ll instruct me on how to be me. Surely I’m the person who should be making up those instructions. But apparently not. I need to learn to drive so I can escape at any time I want to but that means giving up free time now to actually learn to drive. It will be worth it in the end, I know that, I really do. However, right now I want to melt into the music I’m listening to and make the things I want to make and just breathe. I want to learn how to be me again. I want to live the way I want to. Whatever way that may be.

I want to lose the feeling of suffocation that I get when people tell me who I should be. I don’t know what I want but I know I don’t want to feel suffocated. I want to feel like I am free. I want to stop thinking will this make everyone happy before I do something. As my life should be about me being happy and not everyone else’s happiness before mine. I’m beyond confused as to what counts as gutpunching my life into shape any more. I think I’m getting there but I’m not sure. These self discoveries and these realisations seem more like set backs than actual accomplishments. Knowing the problem is half the battle but where do I even begin to fix these problems?

I am improving though. My confidence has improved. My opinion of my self has improved. They’re small steps but they are progress. Maybe I’m being too harsh on myself as I’m not the only person who’s lost and has no clue what they’re doing. Maybe I need to have more patience with myself. I guess I just need to take a deep breath and keep on trying to sort the mess that is my head out. I’m pretty sure that’s how I will gutpunch 2014. Though I guess I won’t know for sure until New Year’s Eve comes round once again.

Tired ramblings thing

11 Jun

Foreword: I don’t know what the following is. Its something written in my head when I couldn’t sleep so I decided to just leave it here on my blog as my mind feels less cluttered when I blog it out of my system. I’m not sure what’s with this but it exists now and it looks how I want it to look. Idek how to describe it or tag it really but yeah its definitely not my usual thing.

 

Once again I can’t sleep,
My body’s weary and my eyes are tired,
But my brain buzzes with thoughts,
Ideas,
I compose arguments I’ll never make,
Daydream of lovers I’ll never have,
Dream of things I haven’t done,
Never will.
Is there an alternate universe where I did?
Does it matter?
I still need to be up at *insert time* tomorrow
Time runs away with my thoughts,
My alarm draws closer
I try calm my mind
With a dream of someone who can calm the storm inside
Does that person exist?
Does it matter right now?
If I could relax completely then yes,
It does.
But that won’t allow me precious sleep tonight,
Pretend they exist,
Maybe it’s a lie,
Necessary
But still a partial lie

They say there’s plenty of fish in the sea
Some girls treat their vaginas as nets,
What’s the catch of the day? Syphillis?
Oh the things a girl will do to get a prince’s kiss
But still what of me?
These thoughts still rob me of my sleep,
Keep me awake,
Is there such thing as someone perfect for me?
Some will try and make you what they want,
I’m a person not lego bricks,
You can’t break me down to suit your needs,

Is there even a point?
To life?
To this rambling?
My mind wanders off again,
The places you can arrive from tangents,
Will I ever find someone who can keep me focused,
Make my mind relax,
Or will I have to wait til death,
Oh I do hope death brings silence
My brain chatters like birds in the morning,
When will silence arrive?
Surely it will get better than this?
But for tonight I placate myself,
Once again
With the idea
Of an imaginary prince who can silence it all
A feeling of safety,
Relaxation,
Not the end of the storm,
Merely the eye.
But it will have to do,
At least for tonight.

The New Chapter

10 Jun

Well in my last blog post I spoke of the beginning of a new chapter. Today that new chapter starts. Today is the day that my ex-boyfriend gave me my stuff back. Today is the day where worrying about that is over.

This new chapter includes applying for a job which is effectively a promotion which I need to interview for. I’m nervous and worried about that because I hate interviews I’m pretty sure I’m really bad at them due to my self confidence being low. However this is an interview with my manager who I’ve worked with for over a year now and I know the company policies well enough that I have an advantage on any external applicants because I only need to be taught some things and not everything. However I’m still really nervous as I really want it and really don’t want to cock it up.

I’m still in search of a place to live. I’ve spotted a few options, its just fitting in viewings and finding somewhere I like then will come the hassle of paperwork. However there are quite a few new options as opposed to lots of places I’ve already seen which I won’t be making an offer on, so fingers crossed I can find something worth an offer on.

I still need to make headway on learning to drive so that’s something I need to focus on as it would be incredibly helpful to do. Its just finding the time and motivation but getting my stuff back has reinvigorated me. Its a small victory but it makes me feel like I can do anything and suddenly gutpunching 2014 and improving on 2013 seems possible. Also I’ve made progress dealing with some things from my past which sometimes leave me feeling weak and useless as a human being. I’ve had an epiphany that feeling like that because of things in my past such as being bullied do not make me a weak and useless person because I don’t have the confidence of an extravert. I am a strong person for trying my hardest to talk to people I don’t know and trying to work on my confidence when it doesn’t come naturally to me. I need to focus on my personal best and not how others are better than me because the fact I work hard and make small improvements is great. Whether other people believe it or not is up to them. I’m gutpunching 2014 regardless of whether they can fathom how much hard work and effort I put into everyday life. So I guess part of the internal battle is won if I know that I am improving and that it doesn’t matter what others think of what they perceive as slow and little progress. Hell I’ve improved enough that my manager thinks I’d be good at the job I’m being interviewed for so I can’t be that bad.

It’s a new chapter, I guess I’ve learnt a lot about myself since my ex ended our relationship. I’ve learnt things I should have known about myself and remembered things about myself that I’d forgotten during our relationship. The most important being I can cope with anything life throws at me. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, I can cope. I obviously need a little adjustment period but other than that I can cope. I am not weak and I am not useless, no matter how people make me feel. Hopefully my new positive attitude will result in things going well. Well I can hope that life brings me good news some time soon. You get what you get and I can only hope my hard work and efforts pay off eventually. I’ve gutpunched the year already I guess with my progress but I still have 6 months to improve even more and I’m not giving up any time soon.

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